The Speech Mitt Romney Should Give

The speech Mitt Romney should give: 

Hey guys. Remember me? I don’t really care because I have enough money to buy your stupid human carcasses and have memories of me neurologically implanted if I wanted to.

Anyway, I wanted to take a minute to say that, um…well, you see…we fucked up. And by “we,” I mean “rich, old, white Republican politicians.” We let shit get juuuuuust a little out of control there for awhile. In retrospect, we probably should not have coddled or even tolerated the dangerous, xenophobic extremists on the far right of our party just so we could win some more elections. 

Here’s some real talk that we should have said a long time ago: President Obama is not that bad. He is not evil incarnate, he was not born in Kenya, he is not a secret Muslim, he is not coming to take all your guns. Honestly, on policy, he’s been a pretty reasonable dude. And listen: Obamacare? Shut up about it. It’s basically what I did in Massachusetts because it’s basically a good idea. Get over it.

More real talk: gay marriage is here to stay, we’re not deporting 11 million illegal immigrants, the second amendment doesn’t mean what you think it means, Benghazi was a tragedy but not a scandal.

We fucked up. We should have said all of this a long damn time ago. But we didn’t because we greedily wanted the stupid voters that we should have been proud to do without, win or lose. And now? Well, now Trump. Now we have the physical manifestation of all this bullshit in nearly-human form come to walk among us in all of his orange splendor – and we don’t know how to stop him.

So all we can do is come before you and humbly apologize for the series of incredibly bad, terrible, deplorable choices we made that led to Trump and promise that we will never ever again be so blind to the potential unintended consequences of our craven political aspirations. We would rather lose elections than win with Trumpism because at heart, we really do love our country.

I was going to say a bunch of bad stuff about Hillary Clinton and say that we need to defeat Trump because if we nominate him we’ll lose to Hillary Clinton, but that would be moral cowardice speaking and it’s not the point. We need to defeat Trump because Trump is Trump. The truth is that regardless of what we’ve said about Hillary Clinton in the past, she would be preferable to Trump in every way. I would vote for Hillary before I would vote for Trump.

And so again, we’re sorry. It should never have come to this. It will never come to this again. Over time, we will re-learn how to govern and we will rebuild a party that the American people can have faith in. Until then, vote accordingly.